Originally published in the Institute for Family Studies Blog Key Findings.
Many women in dating relationships are completely unaware of the high amount of pornography their male partners are using. 1 in 6 married couples report that pornography has been a source of conflict in their marriage. Perhaps the most consistent finding of pornography studies to date is that there is a sizeable gap that exists between men and women when it comes to their personal use and acceptance of pornography.
Dozens of studies have shown that men are more likely than women to view pornography, and this is particularly true of viewing pornography regularly on a daily or weekly basis. This “porn gap” raises a number of questions about dating patterns and the relationship dynamics that arise between men and women related to pornography use, such as: What happens to men’s and women’s pornography patterns when they enter committed romantic relationships? Do men decrease or stop their pornography use as they enter into committed romantic relationships? Do men keep using pornography, but hide it from their partners? Do women start or increase their use of pornography when they become romantically involved with a man who uses pornography? Does a new pattern of pornography use emerge during the coupling process that shifts from individual use to couple use?
The answers to these questions are not well understood in the pornography and couple formation literature. In likelihood, the answers to these questions differ from couple to couple and the patterns that emerge likely influence future couple patterns and outcomes–for better or for worse.
In this research brief, we summarize the findings from a study we recently published* using a nationally representative weighted sample of individuals who are in committed heterosexual couple relationships and a subset of matched heterosexual couples to examine romantic partners’ pornography use rates, patterns of viewing pornography alone or together, relationship boundaries related to pornography acceptance, and pornography-related conflict.
Data and Methods
In this study, we examined pornography use rates, patterns of viewing pornography alone or as a couple, partners’ values related to pornography, and the frequency of pornography as an area of conflict in couple relationships.
Two of the research questions we specifically examined included: What are men and women’s pornography patterns (i.e., frequency of use, used together or alone patterns, acceptance, etc.) at different stages of relationship commitment? How aware are partners at different stages of relationship commitment of their partner’s pornography use (i.e., perception of use versus partner’s reported use)?
Sample and Procedures
Two samples were used for this study. Both samples came from participants who completed the RELATE Questionnaire (Busby, Holman, & Taniguchi, 2001) during 2011–2013.
The primary sample for this study consisted of an individual data set that was weighted to be as close as possible to census norms in terms of gender, race, religion, and education. The sample consisted of 21,555 participants who reported they were in a casually dating (n= 655), serious dating (n = 6,167), engaged (n = 8,720), or married (n = 6,013) heterosexual relationship. A second data set was used to answer the second research question and consisted of a matched heterosexual couple data set where both partners completed RELATE and indicated that they were in a serious dating, engaged, or married heterosexual relationship (only committed couples are a part of the matched couple data set so there were no casually dating couples). These selection criteria resulted in a sample of 1,486 couples where 23% were seriously dating (n = 345), 57% were engaged (n = 847), and 20% were married (n = 294).
Question 1: What Are Men’s and Women’s Pornography Patterns at Different Stages of Relationship Commitment?
Pornography Use
For pornography use, there appears to be a difference between men and women across relationship commitment levels. When compared on the basic pattern of whether they use pornography, women are about twice as likely to report that they “never” use pornography as are men in the same level of commitment.
- The percent reporting “never” on personal use were:
- Casually dating women = 57% vs. Casually dating men = 25%
- Seriously dating women = 60% vs. Seriously dating men = 25%
- Engaged women = 61% vs. Engaged men = 38%
- Married women = 65% vs. Married men = 37%.
The pornography gap deepens extensively, however, when frequency of pornography use is examined—with casually dating men being 42 times more likely to report viewing pornography at least weekly or more than casually dating women (50.0% vs. 1.2%); and men in more committed relationships being over 6 times more likely to report using pornography at least weekly compared to their female counterparts (seriously dating = 40.0% vs. 5.9%; engaged = 20.3% vs. 3.0%; married = 19.6% versus 2.9%). While men’s pornography use is less in more committed relationships, with a nearly 50% difference in the level of frequent use between dating men and engaged or married men, there is a consistent pattern of many women being partnered with men who regularly use pornography while they report little or no use (see Figure 1).
Together or Alone?
Also, it appears that many of the couples who have congruent use patterns are those in which both partners refrain from using pornography. As individuals who use pornography enter into couple relationships, the question arises as to whether they view pornography alone or they view it together as a couple.
We found a similar pattern of together versus alone use across relationship types. Specifically, we found that men across relationship types are about three to four times more likely to report viewing pornography always alone (i.e., 100% alone, 0% with partner) compared with women in similar relationships.
- Casually dating men = 45% vs. Casually dating women = 13%
- Seriously dating men= 49% vs. Seriously dating women = 15%
- Engaged men = 47% vs. Engaged women = 14%
- Married men = 45% vs. Married women = 11%.
Women, on the other hand, were about three to four times more likely to report a pattern of use that was primarily or completely couple-based in viewing pornography together with their partner (i.e., 25% alone, 75% with partner or 0% alone, 100% with partner).
- Casually dating women = 11% vs. Casually dating men = 5%
- Seriously dating women = 11% vs. Seriously dating men = 3%
- Engaged women = 11% vs. Engaged men = 5%
- Married women = 15% vs. Married men = 5%.
Pornography Acceptance and Conflict
In terms of pornography acceptance, it is clear that pornography is a debated topic across relationship types, with anywhere between one-third to one-half of both men and women in our sample expressing disapproval of pornography depending on which value question is examined. Nearly one-third of engaged and married women report that they view pornography as a form of “marital infidelity” and a sizeable portion of men and women (between 34.6% and 52.3%) agree that pornography “objectifies and degrades.” In engagement and marriage, approximately one in five partners believe that pornography use is only acceptable when it is viewed together.
With regard to conflict about pornography, a portion of individuals in all couple commitment types reported that they agreed that pornography had been a source of conflict in their relationship. A notably high amount of casually dating men (44.6%) reported that pornography had been a problem in their relationship. This is striking given that this is the relationship type where women seem to misjudge the amount of high pornography use among their partners. Perhaps dating men sense that the women they are starting to date often disapprove of frequent pornography use and they are worried about it being a problem, even before their partner knows about it. For committed couples, less than 10% of partners in seriously dating relationships reported pornography conflict; whereas between 1 in 8 to nearly 1 in 5 engaged and married partners reported that pornography had created conflict in their relationships.
Question 2: How Aware Are Partners at Different Stages of Relationship Commitment of Their Partner’s Pornography Use?
The amount of awareness that romantic partners have of each other’s pornography use is one of the most critical, yet understudied, relationship dynamics of pornography in couple relationships. In our study, the number of women that report that their partner is not using pornography is notably higher than the number of men reporting no use in the corresponding relationship commitment type. Again, these differences are substantially greater when frequency reports are examined. For example, only 4% of women in casually dating relationships reported that their partner uses pornography weekly or more often, but 50% (13 times as many) of casually dating men report weekly or more frequent use. In fact, none of the casually dating women reported that their partner uses pornography almost daily or every other day, but 43% of casually dating men in our sample reported this level of heavy use.
How aware are individuals regarding their partner’s pornography use?
To obtain a baseline understanding of pornography awareness between partners, we collapsed all relationship commitment types and then subtracted each partner’s reported level of pornography use from their partner’s perception of their use. For women (see Figure 3), there was only a 46% congruent awareness level where their male partner reported using pornography at the same level she reported; with 37% of men reporting more pornography use than she is aware of and 17% reporting less use than she believes is occurring. For men (see Figure 4), there was a 69% congruent awareness level of their female partner’s pornography use, with only 16% of female partners using pornography more than he knows and 15% using less than he perceives. Much of the higher level of congruent awareness for men of their female partner’s use came from the fact that more than 60% accurately reported that their partner never uses pornography.
Takeaways from This Study
The findings reported in this research brief confirm and extend other studies that have found that there is a persistent difference in pornography patterns between men and women across relationship commitment levels. While these differences may have little or no practical significance for some couples, emerging research suggests that discrepancies in pornography use at the couple level are related to negative couple outcomes. Specifically, in one of our previous studies (see Willoughby et al, 2016), we found that pornography differences may harm specific couple interaction processes such as communication and sexual desire, which, in turn, may negatively influence relationship satisfaction and stability. The findings of this study also support our previous claim that the amount of awareness that romantic partners have of each other’s pornography use is likely one of the most critical, yet understudied, aspects of pornography use in couple relationships.
While scholars continue to debate the direct consequences of pornography use on individuals’ attitudes and behaviors, pornography concealment may be an equally critical variable. Research suggests that patterns of concealment in close relationships contribute to feelings of exclusion, reduced trust, and increased conflict, which, in turn, negatively affect relationship outcomes. Pornography acceptance and conflict are connected with awareness patterns in couple relationships, although the exact relationship between these processes is not well understood. We found that as much as one-half of women in romantic relationships disapprove of pornography to some degree and that nearly one-third of engaged and married women view pornography as a form of marital infidelity.
These findings are particularly noteworthy given that it appears that in early couple formation, many women may have little understanding of how much their male counterparts are viewing pornography. This level of gap also calls into question what behaviors women are referring to when they report whether they find pornography use acceptable. Are they envisioning the infrequent dabbling that is present among their female peers or the habitual use patterns common among the men available in their dating circles? These patterns deserve further investigation.
Implications for Couples
When pornography is viewed as a part of a couple relationship, rather than simply a personal behavior, couples are better equipped to explore the fuller meanings of pornography in their relationship.
It is important for couples to explore what pornography means to each partner and to set mutually agreed-on patterns for pornography use in their relationship.
Partners should openly discuss how pornography use may influence their feelings of trust and attachment with each other. Relationship satisfaction is a result of partners developing a secure attachment with each other, where each partner trusts that the other will be physically, emotionally, and psychologically responsive to his or her needs.
Behaviors that are interpreted as disrupting or eroding this trust will then have a significant negative impact on couple communication, intimacy, and satisfaction. Scholars and therapists have noted that partner differences in pornography use and acceptance may influence the partners’ sense of trustworthiness and security in the relationship (Butler & Seedall, 2006). Zitzman and Butler (2009) explain: “Pornography scripts expectations and behavior that place it on a collision course with the requisite dynamics for secure attachment and authentic intimacy in the pair-bond relationship ... the detached, objectifying, exploitive sexuality of pornography directly impacts attachment trust, eroding any safe expectation of one’s partner being faithfully for the other” (p.214). If a woman sees pornography as an untrustworthy act that turns her partner’s attraction toward others or as an indicator that he approaches sex from a self-centered, rather than an other-centered orientation, her sense of security will likely diminish in the relationship. However, as we have described in our previous research, the “structure of security” in pair-bond relationships may be somewhat subjective, and can vary from relationship to relationship (See Willoughby et al, 2016). Differences in pornography use and acceptance will likely influence whether pornography is seen as a violation of relationship trust or attachment threat, thus influencing overall relationship satisfaction.
Couples need to explore the trust and attachment issues “behind the behaviors,” so to speak, to see if such discrepancies have created attachment threats or injuries between partners. The findings of the current study suggest that couples need to discuss several different aspects of pornography, including pornography use, acceptance, and concealment.
Pornography Use
Meaningful dialogue about pornography will require couples to assess the level of pornography use of each partner. This process can be more complex than it appears, however, as a thorough assessment of pornography use will not only include frequency of use (e.g., every day, once a month, never, etc.) but also duration of use (e.g., a few minutes, 3 hours, etc.) and the nature of the content being viewed (e.g., soft-core pornography, hard-core pornography, etc.). It will also involve an assessment of whether pornography is viewed together as a couple or is viewed alone by each partner. This level of detailed discussion is particularly warranted for couples at the early stages of dating to set mutually agreed upon patterns of use and for couples experiencing conflict and distress related to the use of pornography by one or both of the partners.
Pornography Acceptance
While an exploration of pornography use patterns is a useful starting point, these patterns can only be properly assessed in the context of each partners’ personal acceptance or rejection as pornography as an acceptable part of their relationship’s sexual boundaries. But, again, acceptance of pornography can be deceptively difficult to assess in couple conversations.
Pornography acceptance is rarely a simple “yes or no issue” for many couples. While some spouses, particularly religiously identified ones, may view any use of pornography as unacceptable, many spouses will approve or disapprove of their spouses’ pornography use depending on the frequency,duration, and content being viewed. Even the most accepting of spouses will likely have “acceptance thresholds” for frequency or content that is unacceptable to them. In short, acceptance differs by degree, not simply in kind. Given the pornography gap that exists for many couples, partners should also be mindful that each of them will often have different personal reference points for determining acceptance for pornography. For example, a wife may say that she feels pornography is acceptable, while internally referencing the relatively low levels of frequency or types of content that most women typically report; but not be accepting of the high-frequency patterns more common among men.
Pornography Concealment
Perhaps the most significant, yet difficult dynamic to address as a couple is pornography concealment or the degree that partners are open with each other about their frequency, duration, and content of pornography viewing.
While scholars continue to investigate the benefits or harms of pornography use for individuals and couples, it is clear that a significant way that pornography harms relationships is that it often happens in secret. As the current study suggests, many users of pornography typically hide, or at least minimize, their use of pornography from everyone, including their romantic partners. If this pattern develops, there are two critical threats to the relationships. First, when people engage in this type of self-concealment, it not only hurts their relationships and leaves them feeling lonely but also makes them more vulnerable to depression, poor self-esteem, and anxiety. Also, when romantic partners keep secrets from each other, their trust in each other erodes and their confidence in their relationships starts to struggle.
Carroll, J. S., Busby, D. M., Willoughby, B. J., & Brown, C.* (2017). The Porn Gap: Differences in Men’s and Women’s Pornography Patterns in Couple Relationships. Journal.